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Colby
Apr 26, 2006 18:59:57 GMT -8
Post by cry,crayola. on Apr 26, 2006 18:59:57 GMT -8
Are you blind? Can you not see the hurt? Dear, even Beethoven learned to express.
The worry alone pains me. The look in your eyes. Oh, the carelessness brings me down.
you repetitively stab at me. I care. We all do.
do you just not understand?
Once we picked out stars in the sky. You could have any one you ever wanted... you chose the brightest.
Can you not see your star? It shines on, waiting for you to glance up. Your focus is gone, and your telescope crashed. It's cloudy tonight. My friend, I promise...
it shines on
You're waiting on nothing. Happiness and satisfaction a road gone and passed. How have you gotten lost?
The roads were marked plain and clear. Your star, dear one, showed the way. the only way.
Gone and lost, I weep upon this mountain top. Salvation is yours. Please accept my gift, friend.
alrite so not sure what to expect out of this one. honestly, i didn't try too hard on making sense or tying everything together. this is me writing down whatever. major prayer for my friend Colby please. this one goes out to him.
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Colby
Apr 27, 2006 17:45:02 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Apr 27, 2006 17:45:02 GMT -8
Hmmm. I didn't particularly like the beginning of this poem because the "Can you not see the hurt?" threw me off a bit. It just made it seem like the rest of the poem would be kind of cliche. But the Beethoven line was great. I thought the two star stanzas were fantastic, but italicizing "brightest" made it seem overbearing, I think that the line stands out on its own. The road analogies seemed kind of cliche, also, but I really loved the feeling behind this poem.
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Colby
Apr 28, 2006 13:36:47 GMT -8
Post by cry,crayola. on Apr 28, 2006 13:36:47 GMT -8
*sigh* i hate cliche. and looking back i see it everywhere. i think when i was writing this i was just kinda throwing things together and hoping that they made some sort of connection. instead of the road thing, do you think i should continue with the stars?
thanks for the crit.
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Colby
Apr 28, 2006 19:08:46 GMT -8
Post by Robin on Apr 28, 2006 19:08:46 GMT -8
Yeah, the Beethoven line and the star stuff was good, but the rest of it was kind of just haphazard. I like haphazard, but you can tell that there wasn't too much effort put into this.
I'd say to continue with the stars, and maybe put in things about constellations and star signs. It would kind of be a good juxtaposition with the music and Beethoven.
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Colby
May 11, 2006 9:32:43 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on May 11, 2006 9:32:43 GMT -8
Yeah, I agree with Robin. The constellation thing sounds especially promising.
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