Might as well start out on the wrong foot...

[slashmaster]

I used to post this on neopets until some moron started copying me. So I'm posting on here. You can call me Chemist, and, if this goes over well, you can expect more from me, okay? Okay.

--- And so... ---

“Come,” she said. “Let me lead you from this place.” She tore the needles from my wrist with enough fury to turn the hot pain white, and I did not feel it, though I did feel the faint stirring of alarm at the sight of my blood, black in the darkness, streak across the floor. The smell made me moan in grief and arousal, the tormenting and constant emotions of a vampire. I wept again at the thought of this.
Her hands were tender but commanding. She forced me to my feet and led me from the hospital, having to literally carry me, for I refused to take a single step on my own.
“I already regret you,” she said, sounding breathless; was I tiring her? “I already regret your presence. Such trouble you make! The things you say! I’ve never seen one so raw and troublesome as you!”
“Shouldn’t you be pleased?” I mumbled. “Are vampires not known for mischief?”
“You spit on the name of vampires,” she snapped, and grunted as she heaved open a door.
The moonlight was blinding in comparison to the lightless vault that had been the hospital. She dragged me onto the curb and threw me down without ceremony.
“And you,” she snarled, a feral edge in her tone, “make me wonder and I ask you, how can you be so heavy while bloodless?”
I only smiled weakly in response, too tired to make up a response. The ground was a solid refuge beneath me. “Are you an angel or are you a hell demon like me?” I asked her then, and a look of astonishment flashed across her features, so extreme that I laughed at her.
The look of seduction and rage on her face was entrancing. She was beautiful, as most vampires will be, blond and full but not large, a woman at her prime - the very pinnacle of her prime. Her eyes were slanted and narrowed, like a cat’s eyes, a stunning azure in the night light, her lips, rouged petals, parted to reveal her perfectly developed canine teeth. Her fingers were long and powerful, tipped with nails long and sharp enough for claws, and she ran these through her luxurious hair, pacing back and forth. She might have been a dancer or an actress in her time of life.
“How old are you?” I asked relentlessly. “Where are you from? What are you? What do you want of me? Why did you change me? How would you kill me? Do I have a purpose?” And when she didn’t look at me I said more loudly, “Are you an angel or a demon?”
She turned on me, pointing one slender finger at me, and I sneered back up at it, too weak to actually smile. “I am neither!” she said. “I am God and I am Satan. I am no mortal, for mortals are but hell demons in disguise. And you… you… you are still a hell demon.”
“Then free me from this hell,” I said.
“I have.”
“Then when shall I walk through the doors to heaven?”
“There is no heaven for you, sinner.”
“And what of you?”
“There is no heaven for me, either.”
“You have sinned, then.”
“All mortals have sinned.”
“And how did you sin?”
She paused, flustered, her lashes sweeping towards her porcelain cheeks, resting a palm on her breast. “I do not wish to discuss this,” she murmured. “Such intimate matters are not for conversation. Be modest.”
“How did you sin?” I asked again.
She met my gaze with a flaring defiance. “How did YOU sin, I ask you? And of that, what is your name?”
“Formalities behind, I am Lewis, your son,” I said.
She snorted disdainfully. “Son indeed.”
“Did you not make me?”
She drew herself up to her full height. “Tell God your sins, Lewis, and if She feels merciful She will redeem you.”
“Do you feel merciful?” I rebuked, but, at the flash in her eyes, I surrendered, sighing, falling back into the curb with a limp weakness that came with death. “It was a sin I was born to. I am an unholy hell demon, forever scorned by this obsessive passion, a dangerous addiction that I cannot wish to be rehabilitated from – a love for those that are my mirror image, those of the male sex.”
“So prettily you say it,” she snorted. “Put yourself beyond such poetry of something so dirty. You are gay.”
I opened my mouth to speak and out of shock, but I could get nothing beyond my numb and stupid mouth, so I slowly closed it.
“You will become cold, Lewis, as I have.”
“So what is your sin?” I asked. “What is your sin, if we shall share our secrets so openly?”
She grinned at me, a horrid, nasty grin. “Whoever said I was going to reveal my secrets? Fools speak with loose lips, Lewis. And I dare say you are a fool.”
She strode away, leaving me still and numb, shocked to the bone and beyond.

- Fin

[Ramona]

Wow. This was incredibly well written. And your delivery was unexpected and made me feel somewhat disoriented, but like that's how it was supposed to be. I like it that way. And the fact that the main male character is gay really looped me for a throw. I mean, vampire stories are usually somewhat cliche because of the images that people have limited their minds to, but one like this is rare. I really liked it.

[slashmaster]

Thank you very much. Did you see anything I could have improved on?

[Queen of Rain]

This is really well written and really bringds up my image of the genre. Teh diction and similies are amazing.
Only improvement I would recomend is to use a synonym for gay becuase it doesnt flow with the diction of the short story.. otherwise brilliance

[Ramona]

Yes, I agree with Queen or Rain. That's the only thing I could come up with. "Gay" just doesn't have the stately sort of feel the rest of the piece does.

[Robin]

Chemist Chemist Chemist Chemist!! You're here. <3 How'd you find the site?


"rouged petals"

Me no likey. Petals just doesn't seem to fit. You just don't normally hear lips described like that so it's hard to visualize. Would something along the lines of 'rosebud' be the same? It's sort of used a lot, but that would be a small price to pay. Lewis doesn't describe people a lot, at least not in the stuff I've read, amd it'd just be sort of easier on the brain if you used a word us lesser creatures could visualize.

I could just not have a very good imagination, though. It's just my thoughts on it.

"resting a palm on her breast."

Doesn't really seem like her. Remember the silent film 'my-rotten-rat-of-a-brother's-taking-my-inheritance-money' bit? I think it was either when Lewis and Gabriel were breaking up or when Lewis was pissed at Jareth. I think Gabriel. But that's what this thing is like. It's just like...I can't see her doing that. She's flustered, but it seems like she'd do something more pissy, like clench her fists until her nails cut her palms or something bitchy like that.

To be honest, I don't see much else here that bugs me. It's a lot of dialogue, which makes it less prone to mistakes. And I like the word gay. It's supposed to leap out and be all like 'whoa vulgar.' I think?

[slashmaster]

I think Robin nailed the word 'gay.' I was aiming for something harsh, unlike the rest of the story, which is usually quite flowery-sounding.

"How'd you find this site?"

You linked me to your work here once. I didn't think much of it, but then I saw a link on neopets to it, and I came here again and I was like, "Why not?" So here I am! =D

"Petals just doesn't seem to fit"

"Lewis doesn't describe people a lot"

Yeah this part actually bugged me some, too, but there's really no where else to describe her. I want to take out the 'lips' thing altogether.

"it seems like she'd do something more pissy"

I'm not picturing it all dramatic. Just sort of a absent hand, more of like a modest gesture than a 'holyshitgasp' gesture.

I don't know. I'll probably change it.

[Robin]

Ohhh yeah. I did. And then I went and ate dinner and forgot about you.

"I'm not picturing it all dramatic. Just sort of a absent hand, more of like a modest gesture than a 'holyshitgasp' gesture."

I see. Just something modest would work. I guess you could put an adjective like 'absent' or something just to make it clear.