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Post by Ramona on Feb 21, 2006 8:11:34 GMT -8
Just something going along with the "refrigerator magnet poetry" style, but I didn't actually use the magnets for this one. -----
her hands whisper along my back
let me touch my tongue
to your sweet sweat
flowery lips
press against my neck
like a secret
I can taste your life
hair like rumors
brushes against my shoulders
eyes eclipse with painful pleasure
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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 21, 2006 19:07:20 GMT -8
wow, this piece is so utterly beautiful! wow! I was gonna give some critisism but I cant find anything to comment upon, its just so perfect
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 21, 2006 19:24:35 GMT -8
i love this. in its simplicity, it's brought out so much feeling. your description was amazing. great analogy thingies.
the last line was pure brilliance.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 22, 2006 6:09:41 GMT -8
Thank you both!
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Post by Robin on Feb 22, 2006 19:00:20 GMT -8
Robert Jordan, anyone? Reminded me of Machin Shin. Or The Black Wind. Whatever he calls it. It's pretty nice, actually. I like being reminded of other writers.
I'd seperate 'sweetsweat.' I don't think it's flattering squashed together. Some things you can get away with doing that, but right here it felt like an attempt at being poetic. I should know - I've spent most of my life trying to figure out how to make attempts on poetry.
I also didn't like 'rusty lips.' It makes it sound as if the lips in question aren't in practice at the art they're performing, and from the rest of the poem it sounds as if the opposite is true.
'Hair like rain' seems to be a rather childish simile in light of the rest of the poem, but other than those slips, I thought it was good.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 23, 2006 8:10:41 GMT -8
Thanks for your crit, I'll try to edit some of those.
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