Guitar Bum (Walk Into the Sun)

[Ramona]

Another piece of pseudo-beat poetry. wrote this one last night, I think I might turn it into a song if at all possible.

-----

Don't make a fool of him
Why is it no one ever does?
He's just too cool
For any fool
to notice his flaws
and maybe it's because he has none

And his fingers fancy-danced along
flipping magic across
the strings of his guitar
sunlight glinted off
straw-colored hair
it was like he wasn't there
nothing there but air

so cool with his pick between his teeth
he doesn't sing, he hums
pounding sound on a dry run
imperfect but isn't everyone
until we walk into the sun?

wearing his black paisley
and smiling, half-smirking
when he plays he is the only one there
or so it seems to him
but then the lights dim
and the crowd screams
and it's him and his band

this storyteller tells nothing
his wonder is his song
and no one gets it wrong
he knew it all along

dance with me
dance with me
you're never on your own

he has his hands in his pockets
and he's cool but only half-cool
he's just another fool
but isn't everyone
until we walk into the sun?

[Robin]

If I was to say that this piece needed any work at all, I'd be lying. Oh, it has its flaws - but, as you say in the poem, "isn't everyone imperfect?" The flaws here do less to make it seem like a bad poem than they do to accentuate the good parts of the poem. It's like a Mary Sue, but I think all of us enjoy a Mary Sue every now and then, especially when she's not as cliche as the other Mary Sues. And believe me, this isn't half as cliche as a lot of the crap I vomit up. This is a Mary Sue of a different color here.

[Ramona]

Yes, I was trying to incorporate some of its flaws into the "imperfect" sense, but probably not every one that you spotted. Thanks for your comments.

[cry,crayola.]

i think the random rhythms that the rhyming creates bugs me a little, but maybe its supossed to bet that way...?

[Ramona]

Yeah, it is supposed to be that way. Was there anything else you didn't like about it?

[cry,crayola.]

no, i think the rhyming was pretty much it.

good job!!!!!!!!! yay. *claps for ramona*

[Ramona]

Thank you.

[Pseudomuse]

favorite part -

so cool with his pick between his teeth
he doesn't sing, he hums
pounding sound on a dry run
imperfect but isn't everyone
until we walk into the sun?


I just love that part. I may print this out and comment it up if I can find some paper.

PM

[Ramona]

Thanks! Yeah, that was my favorite part, too.