I Fell in Love with the Man in the Moon

[ScarletMornings]

i know it needs work but i like the idea. help me out, k? but don't KILL me, because i do like this. there's parts I really like and others where i just couldn't seem to find the right words.

I followed the worn path of the dreamer
lit by careless stars burning cold for miles around
treading tirelessly through smooth and ancient ways
as I wandered towards the ageless moon years distant
her back glowing dimly to my shuttered eyes
I sang an off-key love song on my upward trek
foreshadows dark and rampant in the air
a pale wraith-child chasing Artemis’s smile

But I was distracted by gleaming tangents
an unfortunate night affliction I experience daily
since I ramble on in the search of tiptoeingperfections in my speech
but anyways
I guess that might explain why in all my midsummer’s dreams
I never observed the man with the careless hair and the wrenching eyes
whose name I do not know
though I’ve heard they call him the man in the moon
but he is more than just a moonlit face
an enigma captured for Artemis’s whims, whatever they may be
he deserved something more than the blunt banality life seems blighted with
yet, though it waltzed gracefully on the tip of my tongue,
his name always spun away just before I whispered it out
so I honored him and his moon-drenched face
by falling off the beaten path
into the cooling dark of gloaming love

As I fell, I shivered feebly, vulnerable to the piercing starlight
as I seemed to tumblefloat through the golden twilight of years gone by
and just before I stumbleslipped beneath the slash of horizon
I saw him glance my way
perhaps a thoughtless twist of the spindle by the moon-spinners, legends removed
or a trick of Artemis and her distant spite
and a lustrous ray of light beamed from the moon to the horizon
a thousand pearltears of a caged prisoner
as he cried for the girl who loved him as she whispered back to earth
a brief and effervescent flash of a boy world-weary from a million years ago
wishing he could fall with me back into a land of the living
comparably innocent to the endless waxing and waning of the world he’d watched
a glossy prisoner of the apathetical beauty worshiped for her mystery
made immortal by a tangling of the threads of fate
I thought I felt a basking caress before my eyelashes fluttered me awake
to an indifferent whitewashed wall, a sad comparison to radiant moonwash above
and my room whispered, distantly curious Are you broken?
I figure I must be, because I fell darkyears for the man in the moon

[Pseudomuse]

Printing this for a proper crit dear.

[Ramona]

I followed the worn path of the dreamer
I like this line a lot, I think it expresses the idea very well.

off-key love song
Very nice imagery here.

an unfortunate night affliction I experience daily
I understand why you would want this line in the poem but there just doesn't seem to be much poetry in it, and there's so much in every other line.

the man with the careless hair and the wrenching eyes
The imagery is beautiful here, but you've used "careless" in the line about the stars in the first stanza and it seems a bit awkward to have these words so close together.

I'm sorry, I'll post more later when I have time, the bell is going to ring.

[ScarletMornings]

yes, i liked the careless with the hair but couldn't think of anything to describe the stars. i was trying to go for something that made them seem distant and aloof, i guess. and then on the night part i wanted to get a bit of a contradiction in there, but that did seem a little blunt to me. any suggestions when you have time would be lovely! and thanks for the comments so far. pm, i'm looking forward to your crit!

[Robin]

"I followed the worn path of the dreamer
lit by careless stars burning cold for miles around"

This is a piece of overused imagery. Stars are always either described as "burning bright" or "burning cold." I like the images it creates, but I don't like the memories of bad poety associated with it.

"treading tirelessly through smooth and ancient ways
as I wandered towards the ageless moon years distant"

Too many old words here. I like these words, I do, but I think they're a little much here. While you did have the good sense to vary the words, I think that it's just a few too many old and boundless words.

"I sang an off-key love song on my upward trek"

Too many adjectives in one line. They aren't very smoothly done.

"a pale wraith-child chasing Artemis’s smile"

Purdy. I like it.

"an unfortunate night affliction I experience daily"

Unfortunate isn't so nice here. But using 'night' and 'daily' in the same phrase is excellent.

"I guess that might explain why in all my midsummer’s dreams
I never observed the man with the careless hair and the wrenching eyes
whose name I do not know"

This breaks the sort of archaic style of the poem and adds some much needed contrast. It's like a cup of coffee.

"an enigma captured for Artemis’s whims, whatever they may be"

Too much use of Artemis.

"As I fell, I shivered feebly, vulnerable to the piercing starlight"

Sounds too much like a story. It sounds good, but it isn't consistant with the rest of the poem.

"a glossy prisoner of the apathetical beauty worshiped for her mystery"

Pretty imagery. Me likey. Me likey bunch.

"I thought I felt a basking caress before my eyelashes fluttered me awake
to an indifferent whitewashed wall, a sad comparison to radiant moonwash above
and my room whispered, distantly curious Are you broken?
I figure I must be, because I fell darkyears for the man in the moon"

Wicked ending. Almost chuckalicious. I wanted to laugh, but it was too pretty to laugh at.

I love the language you used here - it's very pretty, and though some patches were reminiscent of roleplaying, for the most part, it was very pretty.

[Ramona]

I dunno, I think you could just take "careless" out of the star line and leave it like that. Because "burning cold" can kind of express two different ideas. And on the night afflictions part I'm really not sure what could be done there.