Abuse, You Lose - Revised.

[behindTHEmask]

Behind The Poem: For Creative Writing, we have to explain our 'first time' feeling something or experiencing something. It's supposed to be something impactful, and I hadn't cried in awhile since recently. I discovered recently I was taken advantage of. The original title was "The First Time You Forgot Me". The title it has now still needs some work. Criticism is always welcomed.

A Gamble with Assisted Suicide.
Shame is the lamppost
outside your window beckoning,
breaching through the wedding white sheers
hiding sins moaning goodbye
with a Novocain kiss.
Oh, how I need you to need me.

The bank statement’s came in for approval
and your money fell short two grand.
Your enabler was right,
Only addictions will save you.
Oh, won’t you forgive me, my love?

I’m another novelty,
Stiffened faux blinks of pleasure
hoping the gin made lipstick
won’t throw us off sequence
But I’m a hangover too late.

Haunted through the screen casing glass
The light softly graces your skin
as you emancipate yourself
and declare us liberated.
Shall we play a game of Russian Roulette?
The odds will do your crime.

Soviet soldiers sat at enemy lines
pleading for attention to impress
with suicidal offers.
I’ll assist you with your gambling desires.
Just call us Bonnie and Clyde.

Load the round swathed in my betrothed
And spin it slowly with a new vaccine
Darling, shut your eyes until the crow’s feet sing
And the ownership between the crevices smile.
Dance the cold barrel over your botoxed forehead
and my collagen lips
to sedate the senses that scream dishonesty.
One, two, three.
©

[cry,crayola.]

wow. i loved this. the imagery was amazing. it started out so strong and let me know that i'm about to read something masterful. and it was. it was great! there's so much emotion in here and its expressed in such a way that its beautiful. the way you wrote it, not so much the topic. but you did a wonderful job here. i'm totally in love with it. i think the first or the last were my fav stanzas. both were very strong and had good imagery and i wanna say diction, but i thing the medicine i'm taking is messing with my mind, so i'mi not sure if i fully remember what that means.

nonetheless, i love this piece, and think you did a brilliant job with it.

i'm not to comfortable with the title, however..........

[behindTHEmask]

I know. The title needs work. But I still have another draft to make of this poem, so I'll work it out.

Any suggestions?

[cry,crayola.]

sorry. not to great in that area myself. i'm going to throw something out that's gonna be horrible, but, in my utter attempt to help, i'm gonna give it anywas. umm...... false love? i'm not so hot about that one either though. *sigh* and this really is a good piece and deserves an amazing title. i'm sure someone will suggest something.

[Robin]

Oh, pretty.

"hiding sins moaning goodbye
with a Novocain kiss."

This doesn't really add up. While I like the 'hiding sins moaning goodbye' aspect of this, the Novocain kiss just sounds overused to me, and not really 'evil.' I mean, when you're numb, you can do stupid things like biting your tongue off, but not having Novocain is so much more painful. It just gave me the impression of a good relationship versus a bad one, like they loved each other enough to numb the emotional pain...or something. But that may just be me.

"The bank statement’s came in for approval
and your money fell short two grand."

Good piece right here. I haven't heard of legal issues taken into poetry much, even as metaphors as they're used here.

"flickering faux blinks of pleasure"

Choose between repeating the 'eff' sound and repeating the 'kuh' sound. Having both 'faux' and 'blinks' after flickering just doesn't sound right.

"and hoping the gin made lipstick"

Eh?

"won’t throw us off sequence
But I’m a hangover too late."

I like this part. I had an emo moment when I read it.

"Haunted through the screen casing glass
The light softly graces your skin
as you slowly inch
behind your lusting smiles."

I don't like this bit as much. It feels too overused, like you cheapened the poem by using this imagery here. But maybe that was the effect you were going for. Two-bit whore, homme-putain, all that happy crappy?

"Shall we play a game of Russian Roulette?
The odds will do your crime."

I like this part. It sounds right.

"Russian soldiers sat at enemy lines
pleading for attention to impress
with suicidal offers."

I don't like Russian used too much so close together. It sounds repetitive (like I should be one to talk!), and it kind of messes up the poem.

"Just call us Romeo and Juliet."

Since you're alluding to evil and crime and stuff, maybe something like Bonnie and Clyde would work better here. Romeo and Juliet were deviant, of course, but they don't bring up an image of sinfulness when you think of them.

"Darling, shut your eyes until the crow’s feet sing
And the ownership between the crevices smile."

Yesss. That was great.

"Now, pretend to be me.
Place the barrel where it hurts
upon the botoxed temple
above the collagen lips.
One, two, three,
Bang."

A little too blunt in comparison to the rest of the poem. That's the only problem I have with this part.

[behindTHEmask]

"flickering faux blinks of pleasure"
I want to change 'flickering', but I'm not exactly sure what to.

"and hoping the gin made lipstick"

I was meaning she'd gotten herself through the liquor cabinet while he was away.

"Haunted through the screen casing glass
The light softly graces your skin
as you slowly inch
behind your lusting smiles."

This part wasn't about the girl. It's the boy trying to escape the shame of using the one he's supposed to love, but finds lust for another.

I don't like Russian so close together, either. But I wanted to explain the stories of how Russian Roulette came about to show that he's bored of her, and she's tired of him.

I used Romeo and Juliet for their suicide. How she pretended to die, and he actually did. Of course she follows him. But, maybe you're right. I'll look it up.

The ending doesn't set easy well with me, either. I lost it after the first couple of lines. I was debating for him to feel like her or to just make it the game of chance. I think my mind fell short on detailed explanations. Any suggestions?

[Pseudomuse]

I'll print this, and take a closer look. If I come up with something snazzy for a title, I'll send you a line.

PM