Get Out of Paradise - Edited

[Robin]

I just sort of compared Eve to Persephone. It's not my best, but I still sort of like it. It needs a lot of work though, and that's where you guys come in.

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Hades was the snake that gave Eve the apple.
He slithered, dark and seductive, up to the forbidden tree,
Hissing promises of secrets into her virgin ears
And making the scent of the apples as sweet and alluring,
As irresistible as the ambrosia on which he feasted,
As tempting as the box given to Pandora years before.

They were pale green and flushed with a powdery pink,
Just like the tops of her flushing, blushing cheeks,
And just like the cheeks of Persephone in her shame
As that snake dragged her into the Underworld,
Tossed her into the River Styx, and made her his bride,
Consummating their marriage upon a bed of bones and dead souls,
And making their marriage feast one of pomegranates, the fruit of Lillith’s womb,
Just as Christ was the fruit of Mary’s womb,
And just as Abel was the fruit of Eve’s.

Eve bit into the apple, that fruit plucked from the Tree of Knowledge,
Just as Persephone was plucked from the Earth.
Juice ran down her chin, tantalizingly sweet and sinfully delicious,
Decadent as any indulgent Devil’s Food of today,
Evil as any pomegranate seed eaten by Persephone.
She fell in love with Eden, and then she fell in love with shame.
Zeus sprung a deal with Hades to release her every spring,
But he also said she’d come back when fall hit earth again.
They’re naked, and they know it, and so God sent them both away.
No shirt, no shoes, no service.
Get out of paradise.

[Ramona]

Just like the tops of her flushing, excited cheeks
OK, this line is nice because of the comparison to the fruit but I think "excited" makes it seem like a bit much.

Consummating their marriage upon a bed of bones
And dead souls
This is fantastic, however I think the line break there is a bit awkward.

and making their marriage feast one of
Pomegranates
Again, I think this is an awkward line break.

the fruit of Lillith’s womb,
Just as Christ was the fruit of Mary’s womb,
And just as Abel was the fruit of Eve’s
I love how you illustrate similarities here.

Decadent as any heart-fattening Devil’s Food of today
"Heart-fattening" kind of breaks the...antique (for lack of better word) feel of the poem.

She fell in love with Eden, and then she fell in love with shame.
"Fell in love with shame" is just brilliant. The flow of this line is magnificent.

Zeus sprung a deal with Hades to release her every spring
Spring/sprung, nice touch, but "sprung a deal" seems forced to me.

They’re naked, and they know it, and so God sent them both away.
No shirt, no shoes, no service.
Get out of paradise.
This ending was fantastic, I loved these last three lines. "They're naked, and they know it" was a very powerful line.

[Robin]

Yeah. A few of those line breaks are pretty awkward. It's what I get for modeling this after some poems I saw on Fictionpress.

"Heart-fattening" kind of breaks the...antique (for lack of better word) feel of the poem"

Archaic? Greco-Roman? Biblical? Haha, I don't have a word either, but do you think it would be better if I took out the heart part and left it as fattening?

"but "sprung a deal" seems forced to me."

Any ideas on how else I could put it?

"I loved these last three lines. "They're naked, and they know it" was a very powerful line."

Really? I didn't think that it was very powerful.

[behindTHEmask]

And dead souls, and making their marriage feast one of
Pomegranates, the fruit of Lillith’s womb

I'd end the line on 'feast'. Ending on of doesn't make it powerful. Feast actually gives you an image of something more.

No shirt, no shoes, no service.

The end flows nicely, but I think that line's overly said. I've heart it too much. And the poems so beautifully worded with all the allusion is so strong and has great diction. I just don't think it necissarily fits.

I can't think of anymore help at the moment. The poem is greatly written with an excellent knowledge of the subject - or so it seems.

Something that might help is rewriting it three different times - editing it. Read it aloud some.

Also, line integrety might help. Spacing differently (with indentations) and not making the lines so lengthy.

[Robin]

I've never heard the maxim 'no shirt, no shoes, no service' used in literature before. Maybe I'm just sheltered.

I'd make the lines shorter, but I'm horrible at line breaks, as you can all probably see. I have to complete a thought before I press enter. It's one of the things I do. It's not healthy for my work, and I should learn to quit, but right now, skill with line breaks is running away from me.

And could you explain line integrity to me? I don't really know how spacing the indentions differently would help.

[behindTHEmask]

It's not so much in literature, but just everywhere. Stores. Tv. Songs.

It's one of those things you just have to work on. I've actually made lines longer in my poems, like yours, but the line integrety helps. Have you ever read e.e. cummings works ["i have found what you are like?" has the spacing. Not that drastic for a poem such as this, but something to break up the long lines]. A lot of hers are spaced sporadically. That's line integrity. You end on more powerful words instead of things like of or is. The spacing creates a pause and more time for thought, to give the audience the impression and understanding there is more depth to the piece.

[Robin]

Ah. I see. I thought you were talking about decorative spacing, like typing
like
this
to make it more dramatic.

I've never read any of E.E. Cummings' work, though.

[cry,crayola.]

i like the 'no shirt, shoes, service" thing. although it doesn't fit, i think its unique and gives more power to the poem. ramona's right. that line is sooo powerful, and brilliant. i love it. very nice job here. very good.

[Robin]

I don't know if I should take out the 'no shirt, no shoes, no service' part or not. I mean, I like it, because the whole thing was archaic and then it's like WHAM, something modern, but it might be too WHAM.

[Pseudomuse]

I'll see if I can help some more on this. Printing it, and doing the crit in my fashion.

PM

[Robin]

"I'll see if I can help some more on this. Printing it, and doing the crit in my fashion.

PM"

Eh? Could you go through that one more time? You confused me.

[Pseudomuse]

I am not the best critquer if I don't sit down with the actual poem, and take a good look at it. I like to write down my thoughts on the piece of paper. So I've printed this, and after I'm done I'll scan it in and post it here.

[Robin]

I see.