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When I
Nov 11, 2005 8:11:05 GMT -8
Post by darktears on Nov 11, 2005 8:11:05 GMT -8
When I look into your eyes,
I see myself smile.
When I touch your hand,
I feel my spirit rise.
You are you,
Thankfully,
Nobody can change,
How you've been made.
Only I can see,
What others cannot.
Only I can see,
What others don't know.
Only I can feel,
Your heart beat.
Only I can feel,
Your tears fall.
Nobody else,
Understands what we have.
Nobody else,
Will know, exactly how we feel.
Please don't ever leave me,
I ask you once again,
You promise,
Together Forever, until the end.
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When I
Nov 11, 2005 8:11:47 GMT -8
Post by darktears on Nov 11, 2005 8:11:47 GMT -8
I haven't written poetry in a little while, like serious poety. I've written little things at school but I decided to try it again.
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When I
Nov 12, 2005 6:46:50 GMT -8
Post by Queen of Rain on Nov 12, 2005 6:46:50 GMT -8
Ok ive read so much better things from you.. Especially the naivity and simpleness in the language bothers me about this piece.. It has a nice flow with the different stanzas; but it feels very one dimensional..
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When I
Nov 13, 2005 11:32:09 GMT -8
Post by darktears on Nov 13, 2005 11:32:09 GMT -8
Okay, thanks for the criticism.
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When I
Nov 14, 2005 8:03:28 GMT -8
Post by Ramona on Nov 14, 2005 8:03:28 GMT -8
Well, I think it's a little too simple, but perhaps you were trying to make it sound very simple? To me it just seems so plain and I think you could do better (gawd, I'm sorry, i jsut feel so mean saying that.) I like the format, you broke up the poem very well, but it seems kind of choppy.
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When I
Nov 14, 2005 14:29:07 GMT -8
Post by darktears on Nov 14, 2005 14:29:07 GMT -8
Lol, that isn't mean, lol. I like getting criticism, so bring it on!
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When I
Nov 15, 2005 12:03:06 GMT -8
Post by onemoremile on Nov 15, 2005 12:03:06 GMT -8
you've got a lot of repetition within each stanza, and I think it sort of, breaks the poem up a bit having so much different repetition. I think you need to carry some of it through into other stanzas, rather than having a different line to repeat in each one... maybe it's just me, but I think that would link it together better.
Also,well, I think it sounds a bit clique... (sorry, this makes me feel really cruel)
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