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Post by Ramona on Oct 18, 2005 8:16:01 GMT -8
I dunno about this one. I think I need to start some rhyming poems again, I'm not that great at free verse, but it expresses how I feel better. -----
I saw you in the rain today
saw you smile
with your head
tilted to the opened sky
the water twinkling down your face
the same water that glistened on mine
and you smiled
boundless
with all the rain
shimmering across your lips
that I never got to kiss
I remember why I thought
you were
beautiful
and you still are
it's just that this time
you're not mine
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Post by onemoremile on Oct 18, 2005 11:31:07 GMT -8
That's a beautiful poem! I particularly like the first stanza, it's a really good opening. However, in the third stanza, I think the word 'slithering' looks out of place - it sounds a bit too sinister. Also, I don't think you need italics on 'beautiful', it stands out enough just having a seperate line, and I think the italics overdo it a bit.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Oct 18, 2005 11:45:50 GMT -8
Agree with former speaker (its a swedish expression dunno if it really works in english but i hope u understand me) I love rain as a symbol and you use it in such beauitiful way that oit really emphasises the beauty you see! hmm useing twinkle twice makes it alittle repetitive.. other than that, i love it
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Post by Ramona on Oct 18, 2005 14:15:11 GMT -8
onemoremile-Thanks. Yeah, I kind of thought so, too, about "slithered," but I figured I'd try it that way first. And thanks for the advice about the "beautiful," you're probably right.
queen of rain- Thank you. I think I'll change that, becaus eit did sound kind of odd to me, also.
Ramona
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Post by Ramona on Oct 18, 2005 14:23:54 GMT -8
I fixed it a little, what do you think of it, now?
Ramona
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Post by ScarletMornings on Oct 18, 2005 19:22:33 GMT -8
OMG!! I AM SOO IN LOVE WITH THIS POEM!! it is soo simple and sweet and a just a wonderful poem. i adore it!
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Post by Queen of Rain on Oct 19, 2005 8:53:44 GMT -8
I definately like how you changed the adjective, cos now those wwo emphasise eachother! hmm another thing, wudnt a comma be good for the rhythm in tje 2nd line?
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Post by Ramona on Oct 19, 2005 14:12:53 GMT -8
queen of rain-THANK YOU! A comma where exactly? Because to me it sounds funny after "saw you smile."
ScarletMornings-Thank you so much ;D
Ramona
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Post by Queen of Rain on Oct 20, 2005 0:11:46 GMT -8
"Saw you smile, with your head tilted, "
was my idea? but ofcourse you can use only one if you want to, both would give that extra pause that i think this poem maybe needs..
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Post by Ramona on Oct 20, 2005 6:09:32 GMT -8
I don't know to me it sounds...broken...if you put one after "saw you smile." But maybe that's just me.
Ramona
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Post by Ramona on Oct 20, 2005 9:37:11 GMT -8
I think maybe I'll change it to, "saw you smile/with your head tilted/to the opened sky," because it flows nicely that way. Waht do you think?
Ramona
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