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Post by Ramona on Apr 16, 2005 8:13:42 GMT -8
Started this yesterday, but then my brother was bugging me to get off teh computer so he could get on, but I finished it this morning. It seems a bit...lacking...to me, but I just can't figure out what it is. -----
Hidden in your eyes was a subliminal kiss,
An elimination of the space between two people’s lips,
The first time such a thing happened to us,
It was on a dirty, noisy, rowdy school bus.
I fumbled for something to say afterwards,
But some moments just don’t need any words,
Besides I was speechless from the moment before,
And I tried not to trip when I grinned at the floor.
From then all was shimmering in sunny-colored gloss,
Everything negative my eyes slid across,
It was when your heart longed someone new,
That I could no longer ignore the things that you do.
I guess after all of it ended was when I realized,
I never really saw any love in your eyes,
Our sugar-coated thoughts didn’t have a happy ending,
It turned out to be just another meaningless fling.
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Post by behindTHEmask on Apr 16, 2005 20:18:05 GMT -8
I like the meaning a lot, but I think you could make it feel more complete if you went for a more free verse style. To me it feels like you're just forcing words that rhyme together at the end.
But I do like this body of it. The meaning is excellent.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Apr 17, 2005 0:11:38 GMT -8
first and last stanza are gret and beautiful, middle stanzas feel force-rhymed and to "blabby" - too many words too little poetry... its great but from the art of that first stanza i think you can improve it
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Post by Sparks on Apr 17, 2005 8:40:22 GMT -8
I really like it. Everything pretty much is great, except for the last stanza, that I don't think I really like, though I'm not sure why. I think it's the end of it. "Meaningless fling" just seems to not fit in there.
But what! - it was good. I liked it.
<3
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Post by roxiecheerchika on Apr 17, 2005 12:43:34 GMT -8
I really liked it, it has a beautiful thought behind it but i have to agree the rhyming is forced to much....it either needs to have the words flow into a rhyme or forget about rhyming all together.....and also i have to agree again "Meaningless fling" doesnt seem to work.....cause i thought the person cared about the other one..i think it would be like a love that was lost not a fling.....do you get what I mean?
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Post by Ramona on Apr 20, 2005 5:55:40 GMT -8
Thank you for all your comments, I'll probably get around to editing and revising it and posting another version. At least sometime this eternity.
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