rate what i have of my first chapter please

[happybunnychick88]

"This is Niki Macintyre signing off for WBX Woodbridge." I end my news report with a sigh. I'm a sports reporter for a channel in Woodbridge, Virginia where I grew up.

I hoped this last news story was enough to get me over the five year bump I was having; it seemed as if all of my stories weren't good enough to put me over the top. But, this one has to. I mean, I followed one of Woodbridge’s worse high school's football team win the national championship. If that didn't do it I don't know what I’ll do.

Just then my cell phone rings, it's the station.

"This is Niki, talk to me"

"Hi Niki its Bob," my boss was calling me I hope this is good news and not bad.

"I think you just made your big break! That story brought in more viewers than we've had in years! Congratulations!" Wow, I had actually done it, I got my big break! I can see myself as a reporter on ESPN, my dream job. And to think, I may even have a chance now that I’ve got this story on my resume.

"Are you still there Niki?" I had totally forgotten that I was on the phone in all of the excitement. Then it all hits me and tears start streaming out of my eyes. I just can’t help my self, I’m so happy.

“Yeah, I’m still here, I’m just so excited.”

“I know, it’s okay to cry. I understand. I would cry too if I were you.”

[iayna]

If that's a whole chapter, I think it needs to be longer.

[kurai]

Meh. I found it mostly mediocre--I truly don't mean to be rude-- because of some grammar mistakes and there seems to almost be something missing. Just edit it, maybe add some detail and it'll improve a tad bit. You also might want to determine what tense you are in 'cause you seem to keep changing it.

[cry,crayola.]

more description is needed. i always find myself with that problem too, and wonder how books can be so long. there needs to be a defined setting, a defined state of mind for Nikki (described if she's annoyed and therefore has her face all furrowed up, or if she's bored and twirling her long, brown hair on her finger..... whatever!), describe how she fumbles for her cell in her cramped purse which she bought with her ex and she gets all ticked off at him all over again. i dunno!? also, writing in present tense for a whole story is challenging. if ya want, keep with it. i just warn you........

good luck with your story. and have fun!