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Ramona
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Posts: 1,323

Is Feb 7, 2005 17:08:47 GMT -8

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Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2005 17:08:47 GMT -8

Wrote this a while ago, but kept forgetting to post it here. As always, comments and suggestions are appreciated greatly.

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She is
Dancing with the sun in the midst of autumn rain
He is
Watching as she waltzes forever in his brain
They are
Flashing back to rainy days when their smiles broke the gray

She is
Crying in the shafts of sun dappling the ground
He is
Converting all her salty tears into a better sound
They are
Dreaming of past gloomy days when they thought of now

She is
Laughing in the presence of ever-slowing time
He is
Cherishing her lyrical voice and its singsong chime
They are
Remembering days once spent with memories intertwined

"Hold my head inside your hands.
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears.
For you I've waited all these years.

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come and set me free.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

louise Guest	Is Feb 8, 2005 1:46:50 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by louise on Feb 8, 2005 1:46:50 GMT -8 It's nice... I really like repeating sentences and words in a poem.

Queen of Rain
Senior Writer

I'm Swedish, that should explain it all..

Posts: 614

Is Feb 8, 2005 10:06:09 GMT -8

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Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 8, 2005 10:06:09 GMT -8

amazing how u suceed in having a kind of listing in a varying structure poem without getting repetetive!!!

4th line shows a typical exapmle though of what i call the flaw of rhymes (im a free form person)... the word brain is such a scientific word and does not really seem to belong in this kind of poem, it seems as if you wanted to write mind but was forced by rhymes to write sth else... but thats just my opinion..

A ship in a harbour is safe, but that's not what a ship is built for

Ramona
Administration

Posts: 1,323

Is Feb 8, 2005 14:56:12 GMT -8

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Post by Ramona on Feb 8, 2005 14:56:12 GMT -8

Thanks to both of you. About the 'brain' thing, I always liked to use brain intead of mind, because mind is more overused than brain. I also thought it sounded like it didn't belong because of the fact that in this type of poem, all things are romanticized, but it's easier to rhyme.

"Hold my head inside your hands.
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears.
For you I've waited all these years.

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come and set me free.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

saralioness
Guest

Is Feb 8, 2005 15:09:56 GMT -8

Quote

Post by saralioness on Feb 8, 2005 15:09:56 GMT -8

beautiful. Simply lovely. If I were you, I would turn it into a ballad by making it longer. Kind of like that Everything you Want (heeee's every-thing you want, heee's everything you need, he's everything inside of you that you wish you could be, he says all the right things at exactly the ri-ght time, but he means nothing to you and you don't know whyyyyy), it has a good rhythm. If I had my own band or I was writing a poetry book, you would SO be there. Great job!

Ramona Administration Posts: 1,323	Is Feb 8, 2005 16:34:41 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ramona on Feb 8, 2005 16:34:41 GMT -8 Spanks a lot. ;D
	"Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you I've waited all these years. For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come, Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

dominicmonaghan Novice No greater love =) Posts: 11	Is Feb 9, 2005 6:35:55 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by dominicmonaghan on Feb 9, 2005 6:35:55 GMT -8 yeah, i really love the poem. I love the way you brought it together with the he is , she is, they are. Great job!
	trampled rose... worn and destroyed. bring to me the love that gave you your meaning

Pseudomuse Senior Writer We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Posts: 489	Is Feb 10, 2005 9:46:11 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 10, 2005 9:46:11 GMT -8 heyla, i like it alot, its like my This is not the end poem...hehehe. good job. it could be a little longer but its nice and the brevity is refreshing. lurf PM
	You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion" I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way. If you want to call me that, smile. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Ramona Administration Posts: 1,323	Is Feb 11, 2005 18:36:08 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ramona on Feb 11, 2005 18:36:08 GMT -8 Thanks a lot. A lot of my work is short, I like it like that. Short and sweet.
	"Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you I've waited all these years. For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come, Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

ScarletMornings Administration http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/ednamillay/7278 Posts: 1,061	Is Jun 22, 2005 23:11:27 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 22, 2005 23:11:27 GMT -8 I LOVE THIS!! WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS OLD GOOD POETRY WAS POSTED?!?!?!
	"Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave, Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, from "Dirge Without Music" Go to the link and read it!

Confusion Senior Writer Posts: 518	Is Jun 23, 2005 8:52:57 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Confusion on Jun 23, 2005 8:52:57 GMT -8 i like this! short and sweet poetry is good!!!!
	"One day I'll be a rainbow belly just like you," she whispered in his ear, "I'll cover painful scars with the brightest tattoos. I want to be a rainbow belly just like you."

Is

Post by Ramona on Feb 7, 2005 17:08:47 GMT -8

Post by louise on Feb 8, 2005 1:46:50 GMT -8

Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 8, 2005 10:06:09 GMT -8

Post by Ramona on Feb 8, 2005 14:56:12 GMT -8

Post by saralioness on Feb 8, 2005 15:09:56 GMT -8

Post by Ramona on Feb 8, 2005 16:34:41 GMT -8

Post by dominicmonaghan on Feb 9, 2005 6:35:55 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 10, 2005 9:46:11 GMT -8

Post by Ramona on Feb 11, 2005 18:36:08 GMT -8

Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 22, 2005 23:11:27 GMT -8

Post by Confusion on Jun 23, 2005 8:52:57 GMT -8