Silk Threads

[Robin]

I like most of this, but I think it got a little weak towards the end.

-------

The girl was a lovely tapestry,
Woven gaudily as a gypsy’s skirt,
Colored gaily as a Cuban.
Such a lovely tapestry she was.

Her laugh, her little tinkling laugh,
And her little tinkling voice -
Stressing some of her syllables and lilting others -
Was such a fine orchestra.
Softness blended into grandness,
Strident clangings fading into pleasant hummings,
Distant thrummings.
She nailed her viewpoint in your eyes.

Ah, her viewpoints.
They were so extreme,
So brave.
Little thoughts running through her head,
Silk threads they all wanted to tangle their fingers in.
She walked like her feet were on fire,
Talked like her tongue was bleeding,
Whirring in a hypnotic sort of way.
Psychologists would have loved her.
Freud, where were you in 1990?

She loved that psychological love.
She adored it.
It enraptured her, it impassioned her.
THEY impassioned her.
They were nice guys.
They blinded her with science.

Nice guys are soft, she reasoned,
But nice guys fall hard.
And nobody thought to tell her what happened when they fall hard.

Now the tapestry is faded, and pale.
A gypsy skirt no longer.
A pale gray Puritan, perhaps,
Or a proper English lady.

Here viewpoints are so reasonable now;
She doesn’t need to nail them in.
The hammer’s in a nice guy’s hand,
The coffin is in hers.

Silk threads are so easily knotted.

[cry,crayola.]

i'm in love with the imagery in here. actually, i loved the whole thing. it's pretty amazing. at one point, though, i thought you were using too many 'she's' but not too much to the point of annoyance.

brilliant job.

[Robin]

Hm. I didn't think I used too many she's, considering I didn't name her and she is a girl, but...I think you're right.

Any hot spots you can think of that need to be helped?

[cry,crayola.]

okay, looking back at this, i don't see too many she's either. *sigh* but i do think that the 'THEY' should be in italics instead of caps.

i think that's it, really

[Robin]

Italics, definately. I'm just extraordinarily lazy.

Thanks, babe.

[mswrite]

I love the last line. In fact, the only part I really didn't like was:

'Her laugh, her little tinkling laugh,
And her little tinkling voice -'

I don't like the way it sounds using "little tinkling" for both lines. If you like repetition and you like some significance of using that, then go for it, of course, but personally I think it'd sound better if one was different.

[Robin]

I was sort of going for repetition there, but I didn't format it very well. If I put them closer together it would probably work out...I just have enough space between them to make it sound awkward. I see what you mean.

[Ramona]

I actually liked the repitition of "little tinkling." But maybe I have odd tastes.

As for the rest of the poem, I liked it, there was some very nice imagery there, I especially liked "Little thoughts running through her head/Silk threads they all wanted to tangle their fingers in."

[cry,crayola.]

i liked 'little tinkling' too