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Post by cry,crayola. on Apr 9, 2006 17:16:05 GMT -8
wasted smiles and useless kisses.
Did you honestly think i didn't know?
Love, your liquor stained breath said it all.
The way your fingers moved across my back,
listless.
tired.
Worn out from a day of work.
a full day
Your arms so limp around me,
your eyes vacant,
and your mouth with no more words to say.
those beautiful words.
The buttons on your shirt weren’t matched up right,
and your hair was all disheveled.
Me, standing in the doorway,
While you stared back.
Your eyes told me so much.
Her silly little giggle broke the silence
I didn’t even have to go into the room.
You made me look foolish,
standing in the kitchen,
expecting,
but you had already given yourself away.
So much for a promise.
So much for this ring. |
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Post by ScarletMornings on Apr 10, 2006 17:33:31 GMT -8
wow. this is a totally cliche topic, betrayal, etc. but you managed to give a unique view of it in a way. i love your diction, and i love your words, and i just love this whole poem. only one suggestion, when it says her silly little giggle, you repeat silly soon after and it seemed a little off. however, i think you could totally leave it if maybe you italicized "me" in "you made ME look silly". i think it would tie the two "silly"s together and make a cool literary element. but this is brilliant. hof, please?
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Post by cry,crayola. on Apr 10, 2006 17:36:16 GMT -8
oops. i didn't even notice that. i think its cause i just say it too often when i speak. *sigh* alright, lemme fix the 'silly' and it's all yours!'
*claps*
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Post by Robin on Apr 11, 2006 7:28:12 GMT -8
Oooh. Very Rose Daniels, very Beverly Marsh.
You expressed the misery and difficulties of this kind of relationship very clearly. It was extraordinarily insightful, especially considering I don't think you've been married. This is the kind of thing you sort of have to live to describe well, unless you're amazingly good at empathy, and you're one of the latter.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Apr 11, 2006 15:24:28 GMT -8
thank you very much!
...like that, rowe?
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Post by Queen of Rain on Apr 12, 2006 7:31:08 GMT -8
really nice piece
"Love, your liquor stained breath said it all." - beautiful rhythm, but maybe put liquorstained as on word?
"your eyes lifeless," - I like the returning imagery with eyes, yet a synonym for lifeless would be nice, how about vacant?
"The buttons on your shirt weren’t matched up right,
and your hair was all disheveled.
Me, standing in the doorway,
While you stared back.
Your eyes told me so much." - This stanza is perfection, the image is so emotional and strong!
"You made me look silly," - the usuallyunpoetic word fits well in the first line, but the repetition changes the tone too much, think you could easily find a synonym
"but you had already given yourself away." - such amazing way of formulation
"So much for a promise.
So much for this ring." - I like the short finite stganza a lot, only ocmment would be maybe to say "a ring", sounds better to me
in sum - this piece is amazing
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Post by ScarletMornings on Apr 14, 2006 9:31:35 GMT -8
okay, benton, decide if you're going to change the silly to foolish or whatever, or leave it how it is. then i will hof it.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Apr 15, 2006 9:49:30 GMT -8
alrite. this is how i want it, rowe. take it away.
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