Drown with you in doubt

[onemoremile]

Drown with you in doubt

Cold, low sun
Has blinded her for days
From horizon through horizon
Still can’t recognise that face,
Those words,
Those eyes

But she can live
With her regrets
Still raise a smile,
Still raise her head
And move on
And forget

But deep down
She longs for the sun to set
And she’ll open her eyes
For the sea, stained red
To drown the doubts
And soothe the pain
And she’ll understand those words,
those eyes,
that voice
Again.

[Ramona]

This piece had some of the best rhythm I've read in a poem in a long time. The only part that I think could be improved is the second-to-last line. It seemed to long, maybe if you broke it down, like "And she'll understand those words/those eyes/that voice/Again." It would also put more emphasis on those features.

[ScarletMornings]

i adore this. its very unusual and i love the images it creates in my mind. great job.

[onemoremile]

thankyou! yeah, it sounds much better like that ramona

Do you think the second stanza fits properly? it feels a bit like the odd one out to me... more like a chorus than an ordinary stanzam what do you reckon?

[Ramona]

I think it fits just fine. But it would be cool if you used it again, like a chorus.

[Robin]

Amazing imagery, amazing rhythm.

That's about all that is to be said about it. It's cliche, but the clicheness hides behind the amazing imagery and rhythm.