Slither -Editted-

[Ramona]

I'm not sure about the repition or line breaks on this one. This is an attempt at breaking my funk.

-----

"She's filing her nails as they're dragging the lake."

--Elvis Costello, "The Detectives"

she's crafty, yeah, she's just my type
makes her own clothes
and builds her own prisons
sets up walls
and no one
gets through

i just wanted someone
who would let me curl my weakwet body
into their arms
someone who would never let go
but she let go

silver shining hair
she's old enough to know better
but i think that's what gets her off
she's doing wrong
and she knows it
she loves it

she stands and watches as i'm dragged away
and i scream
god how i scream
but she doesn't hear
not behind her windowwhitesilence
and the walls of her prison

and her prison doors
will never weaken
she is so cold
she is so cold
she holds you close
then lets you go

[Queen of Rain]

nice.. a different poem with nice posibilities of analysis.. good line breaks, i wud like a break "and no one/gets through" think that would round the first stanza of more smoothly

[cry,crayola.]

i like this. it's a different style and it works. there was one line break that bugged me a bit, but obviously not too much because i can't remember it and i just read through it again and can't find it, soo nevermind!

good job!

[onemoremile]

very nice - i like the style.
The only part i didn't like was the repetition of 'let go' in the second stanza... i dunno why, but it just seemed to bug me every time i read it. However, i suppose you couldn't really change that because it might loose the link with the last line...

[Ramona]

Thanks to all of you, and Queen of Rain, I took your suggestion. It does sound better that way.

[darktears]

This was a different poem but in a very good way. Enjoyed every moment of it and I loved the way you put things in the poem.

Good Work.