Leaves on the line

[onemoremile]

hi, don't know if you remember me, I haven't been on here for months. I've been... lacking inspiration for poetry recently. I can't critique it or write it, my mind just goes blank whenever I try. However, i've done my best to write something, and hopefully i'll get back into the flow of it soon. Anyway, here goes:

Leaves on the Line

Way ahead, a single leaf
Tripping, as it tiptoes over the track,
Brushed up by the shadow of a breeze.
You forget the empty world,
Speeding its way to history
Because everything rests on
that one leaf
Will it make it?
Will it not…

The naval figurehead
Sickly replaced on its land counterpart
Guiding the way,
Praying for the small, forgotten leaves,
Dead already
Fallen and left to rot.
She perches, heading the train
Gaze drowned in pity, not pride


(it doesn't have an ending yet, but suggestions are welcome!)

[cry,crayola.]

i'm pretty much in love with the ending. how you have this set up is amazing.

Tripping, as it tiptoes over the track,

no comma after tripping, i think

Because everything rests on
that one leaf

awkward line break

rereading it now, i'm not sure i got the same meaning as you ment to give for the part i thought amazing. please finish it!!!!!

[Queen of Rain]

i love the tripping as it tiptoes part..
lovely imagery...
sorry its late and ive got a fever so i cant give any better critisism rite now