to my little snail

[cry,crayola.]

deceiving.
yet refreshing.
it's just too hard, dear.
too hard to tell.

i'm the grand prize beyond the curtain
you have one task:
to pull the gold rope.

do you even care, my love,
that you've won me so easily?
i'm all yours,
and, still, you stand there debating.
battling yourself.

am i that complicated to obtain?
come to me, darling.
all i wish for is you to rip the curtain and run to me.
i want to be held.
i want to be liked.

your eyes have me captured,
spell-bound.
they tell me dirty little lies
and lead me to believe false hopes.

do you still care for me, love?
sometimes, it's just too hard to tell.

the curtain still stands.

in ways, i'm happy.
it keeps you from seeing my tears.

[cry,crayola.]

the ending bugs me. i'm afraid it's too cliche. hmmm...... help please?

[Queen of Rain]

Ok I really like this piece, the simple theme with the bautiful diction - works really well.

"i want to be liked." - here in the end of a stanza it deserves better diction, perhaps jsut end it with I want to be held? its an effective line!

when it comes to the fifth stanza it jsut feels slightly superflous? like only saying "spellbound" would say it all actually..'

"curtain still stands" - really nice rounding of rhythm with the alliteration

"In ways, i'm happy.
it keeps you from seeing my tears."

I love the effect of the finishing line... but it needs a more original intro than "!in ways i'm happy" its doesn't bear it up.. be more creative there and the poem is perfect

[cry,crayola.]

hmm.... i'll think about it.

mucho thanks! i didn't really like "i want to be liked" either, but i didn't know what else to put. so just nixing it all together is good?

[ScarletMornings]

i personally love this (it helps that i know you, i think) but i agree with the "liked" line, but i think you could probably make something purty out of it. i personally like the ending, i think it's simple and a quiet but emotional finish. MUAH! BEAUTYMOUS!! lol, i murdered that spelling....