Take Note

[ScarletMornings]

suggestions on the title?


Take note, please
since he never seemed to
I fortify myself in the shining gold armor of sarcasm
unable to protect my heart otherwise from his fearlessly sharp wordthrusts
yet somehow he always seems to believe
that the spiteful slurs I cast upon my apparently “faithless” nature are gospel
and then he hates me since I just can’t help my roving eye
yet I can’t help but don my invisible and alarmingly brittle armor
(made that way, doubtless, since chain mail rusts in the withering rain of scorn)
because any other way he just slips under my defenses
as though soft satin is all that stands between him
and my heart

Maybe green eyes doom you to lovefailure
jealousy is an ugly shade to see in your true love’s eyes
and mine are liquid emeralds melted by the heat of your passion
as you frantically try and erase the stain on my heart
of whoever you think took my flighty fancy today
I wish you would just understand
these green eyes are blinded to all but you
and your distrust

You didn’t believe that particular truth until after the first occasion
and I can’t come to you a virgin every time
rebuilding my innocencelost on nothing but the desire to repeatedly prove myself
and I wouldn’t if I could
it seems as if there’s nothing I can do to make you believe in my word
I may not always tell the black and white truth
but you can bet this is a vow I take seriously
my honor doesn’t compromise itself for me
or for you of the carelessly accepted lost faith
and your skepticism

Oh, I suppose you can take note
I adore him, only God knows why I'm sure, without end
but as they say, without trust there is no love
and I wonder how long it will take him to realize that
right now the fledgling wings of my love hold me aloft on sultry breeze
but there’s no trust, no foundation, no stronghold to fall back on
and if he keeps scorching me with his sunhot jealousy and doubt
the wax and feathered fragile wings of all the adoration I feel
will stutter and shake in the wind of loss and devastating heartbreak
the ground sure rushes up eagerly to meet you
when you're wounded and broken and disillusioned
please let him destroy the glass walls between us
his opaque, distorted, cloudy
mine all too heartbreakingly clear
he has my heart, my love, and most importantly, my trust
but do I have his-wary, cautious, and afraid as it may be,
and my happy ending?

[Robin]

It sounds rather breathless, like the narrator is saying it all in one breath. It's hard to read everything that there is in one line in one line. I love the imagery that you had here, but the flow didn't feel really planned out.

Personally, I didn't like the words in italics. It would mean a lot more if they were just normal; "word thrusts" or "love failure." Normally you use this kind of wordplay very tastefully, you and Pseudomuse, but I don't think it works here.

[ScarletMornings]

so is there any part i should specifically cut down?

[Robin]

The first and last stanzas are a good deal wordier than the rest, so if you only have time to edit a little bit of them, I'd work on shrinking those down a bit.

[Pseudomuse]

I'll see if I can help. Puting it on to-do list.

PM