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Post by Confusion on Mar 3, 2006 9:50:13 GMT -8
Pierce me a blind man’s stare:
Blue eyes alert
All twinkle – no lies
Knowingly glare away triumphs
My unconscious debate
Versus her classical state
Say my damage:
Set my stride
For no tongue is so fierce
No look is so raw
As this
The girl who dreams:
A fool for beliefs:
Shall cut you down
To rest in peace
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Post by Confusion on Mar 3, 2006 9:51:00 GMT -8
i duno if this makes any sense at all... just written it in the last 5 minutes.
I think it almost definately needs extending on?
all comments welcome!
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Post by Robin on Mar 3, 2006 12:15:07 GMT -8
Yeah. The only thing this needs is extending. It's too short to really know what to do to it.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Mar 4, 2006 12:50:25 GMT -8
Im a fan of short poetry, but this is too.. fast and abrupt i think.. its a great piece really,, jsut thst it doesn't stick to one long enough somehow. the depth doesnt strike me til ive read it over and over again.. yet it would be better if it would come to the reader at once
I would say either you would need to extend it
or
try to apply a much slower rhythm,
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Post by Ramona on Mar 6, 2006 8:56:31 GMT -8
I agree with Queen of Rain, the idea presented is good, but the way it is presented could be better. It doesn't reach its true power unless you take the time to read it twice or more and really force yourself to pay attention to the subtle imagery. But I definitely think you could make something really nice out of this.
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Post by Confusion on Mar 26, 2006 10:29:45 GMT -8
ive edited it a bit... not sure about it though.. please comment, all critisim and suggestions greatly appreciated!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Mar 26, 2006 13:50:27 GMT -8
well, i really love this now. i think it's short and fantastic and it gives you just enough while leaving a mystery. i think you did very good with it. wonderful job.
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Post by Confusion on Mar 27, 2006 9:09:20 GMT -8
thank you very very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by darktears on Mar 28, 2006 20:05:42 GMT -8
This is gorgeous. I love the title soo much! This is totally good.
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Post by Ramona on Mar 30, 2006 6:42:27 GMT -8
I also think this is fantastic. HoF? I especially love the last stanza. I'm going to stick it in the HoF, now, 'cause I'll be going out of town, but if you don't want it to be there you can ask ScarletMornings to delete it for you.
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Post by Confusion on Mar 30, 2006 7:31:56 GMT -8
thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah, i would love it to go in the HoF!! Thank youuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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