So Sure

[Ramona]

Again, something I found in my notebook on the same page as the "Sinking" one. It started with one line and it isn't as terrible as the "Sinking" one, in my opinion.

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That was then, but this is now,
I know you're gone but still i think
That I'll end up with you somehow,
That this wish will be more than just ink.

Now when I think of then it hurts,
But still I miss your touch.
To think that then I was so sure,
It seems that I was sure of so much.

I thought-but then, I think all wrong-
I thought you'd be a song I'd sing,
A song of having you by my side,
But time changes everything.

[Robin]

"That was then, but this is now,"

Sometimes I like the use of cliches in work (like my own, hahaha, kidding), but this one seems over-the-top. It's not really accepted as the kind of cliche like "let's be friends forever" or "I'll always love you." It's sort of in the infant stages of this, you know? For now, I'd refrain from using 'that was then, this is now' in work.

"I know you're gone but still i think
That I'll end up with you somehow,"

This line break was kind of awkward. It's pretty obvious that it was only broken at that place to provide a rhyme.

"That this wish will be more than just ink."

This rhyme is kind of forced, too.

"Now when I think of then it hurts,
But still I miss your touch."

I like this, and yet I don't. I like it because it feels very heartfelt, but it also feels very generic. I can't decide.

"I thought-but then, I think all wrong-
I thought you'd be a song I'd sing,
A song of having you by my side,
But time changes everything."

A little forced and rushed, but very heartfelt.

It was an adorable poem despite its inconsistances in metre and rhyme.

[Ramona]

Thank you very much for your crit. I don't think I'll waste the effort it'll take to revise this, though. It wasn't that great of a base.