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Post by Confusion on Jul 20, 2005 6:21:36 GMT -8
Your smiles
My quivers
My tender thoughts
Your every word
Swiping the air
Strong bond
In the vein of family
Rest in peace
Your grandness
You fell
Deep down
The guilty pit
‘Treacherous ways’
They jeered
Rest in peace
Your tattered heart
Once stranded pure white
Rest in peace
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Post by Confusion on Jul 20, 2005 6:22:48 GMT -8
hm.......... just made this up just now... haven't edited it or anything, so probs will need to be edited!
Is sorta about someone i used to be friends with.
Please say what you think to this!
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Post by roxiecheerchika on Jul 20, 2005 8:26:28 GMT -8
Is it about someone that died, that you knew/ I sorta get that vibe..eithr that or they moved away or moved on. I think it's really good...needs a bit of work...i think its a tad too short.. but its really quite pretty. Good job! Great potiental! Not much needs to be done.
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Post by Confusion on Jul 20, 2005 10:38:59 GMT -8
thanx!
no not someone who died, although i kinda half wanted to give that impretion... is about a friendship that recently i realised was not what i thought it to me... but wanting to remember the good times and remember the person as they were (or i thought they were) when we were friends... so i kinda wanted the impression of a 'dead friendship'
thanx very much for your nice comment! Do you think all i need do is extend it?
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jul 30, 2005 23:24:08 GMT -8
i think what your poem could need is a comment on "i want to remember you as you were, not who you are, so goodbye" or sth like that, otherwise i think its great just as a short poem as every word gets so much more evffetive then. so add one line in the first stanza maybe with an adjective, feels like it needs that.
i love the way you ahndle this theme, one of my best friends i jsut decided to bury because she changed so much into someone i do not know..
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Post by Confusion on Jul 31, 2005 2:42:54 GMT -8
thanx! yea it's hard.. the girl this poem is about i thought was an amazing person... then she did some unforgivable things.....
yeah i agree with what you said about needing an adjective, ill change that!
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Post by Confusion on Jul 31, 2005 2:45:46 GMT -8
i've added a couple of lines to the first stanza... what do ya think of it now?
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jul 31, 2005 7:15:00 GMT -8
now its perfect
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Post by Confusion on Jul 31, 2005 9:22:08 GMT -8
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Aug 5, 2005 17:59:11 GMT -8
i just read this now, and i think it is magnificent!!!!
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Post by Confusion on Aug 6, 2005 10:10:29 GMT -8
thank you!!
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