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Post by Confusion on May 9, 2005 10:15:59 GMT -8
'Whatever way you want it, baby'
She said
She ment
He knew
~*~
Our thought to be great bond
Broken by her
Broken for him
He was the first to show an interest
She was foolish and infantile
Considered her first recipricated crush love
Too young to realise
He was only to be her first
Not her first love
He knew
He knew anything he wanted she would do
Do for love?
LOVE
People change
Even the suposedly special
She became a possesion
A doll
To his rule and command
'Whatever way you want it, baby'
What's Lost
Only realised too late
Was too late
She cried her fitful tears
The youthful days lost
What she spent
Suposedly gained
'Whatever way you want it, baby'
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Post by Confusion on May 10, 2005 7:47:03 GMT -8
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Post by Pseudomuse on May 10, 2005 20:07:01 GMT -8
comment whaaat? hmmm...I'm not sure I like it quite yet, great start for a poem, it just needs some pzaz, some life spark to it. I like the first line. 'Whatever way you want it, baby." man thats smooth. great brings the reader in, but afterwards it just limps. You might try adding more of a description of the girl and the boy, dig into your imagination play with words there. its fun:)...uhhh I think I'm losing it. but anywho great start to the poem...I'm sure you'll make something great out of it.
cheers PM
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Post by Queen of Rain on May 12, 2005 6:33:20 GMT -8
I agrree with pseudomuse, I mean the "whatever way you want it, baby" is an AMAZING start, i adore it, and the firt lines are great to follow, but other than that it gets the feeling of "oh ive read this before" and the rhtyhm is so limping that in adds to the feeling of poem not havíng the beuatiful diction i know you know how to use.. the idea is excellent so i really think that with soem work ull get this great..
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Post by Confusion on May 12, 2005 8:48:59 GMT -8
I agree totally! I sorta came up with the title before the poem.. i didn't actually bother putting much thought into the poem itself... there's quite a lot i wanna change about it, ill do it when more awake.  |
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Post by Confusion on May 15, 2005 11:33:15 GMT -8
EDITED!!
hmmm............. im happier with it than i was, but feel there is probably still more i could do to it..... suggestions anyone?
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Post by Queen of Rain on May 16, 2005 1:33:10 GMT -8
wow, it sooo much better, now u really bring forward ur excellent "whataever way you want it baby" it has an JOyce Carol Oates touvh over it.. i still think you could condense where you go on about how she was too young and so on by using more colourful words or so...
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Post by Confusion on May 16, 2005 7:24:10 GMT -8
Thanx very much  Yup i still need to edit it a little to give it a bit more fizztasticalness, i'll do that when im feeling more poemy, thanx for your great comments and suggestions! |
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Post by Pseudomuse on May 16, 2005 9:08:46 GMT -8
agreed, much better hon.
PM
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Post by Confusion on May 19, 2005 7:48:53 GMT -8
thankies! i've just edited it for what i think will be the last time, but i only changed a couple of words... i think im quite happy with this now, but if anyone has any suggestions on improvement then please say! thanx for all your great and very helpful comments!! |
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Post by Pseudomuse on May 19, 2005 18:54:01 GMT -8
I owed you a proper crit so here it is. I did this before you edited so if theres anything that doesn't make sense that's probably why. lurf PM   |
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Post by Confusion on May 20, 2005 7:49:36 GMT -8
Wow, thanx so much for that!! it realli helped!!!!! i like your ideas, ive edited it slightly just now using some of the ideas you had, i might edit it again sometime using some more or your fantastical ideas!!!! |
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