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Post by Confusion on May 2, 2005 2:54:58 GMT -8
He gave me a rose and a heart
He left me to interpret as I wished
Thing is, I had no idea
Would they last forever?
Or would my heart crumble
like a rose without water?
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Post by ScarletMornings on May 3, 2005 19:21:33 GMT -8
Very simplistic, very bittersweet, to steal pseudomuse's word. it could use a little bit more imagery if you wanted to make it a really, really great poem, but it you're just going for short and sweet, this was really good. nice job.
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Post by Queen of Rain on May 4, 2005 5:59:42 GMT -8
i like short poems so i like the shortness in this... whats so great is that first one think that it will b cliche bu then you make it really original in the second line! thast great.. i have sth against the last line tho, since it iiis cliche... you have the effect of the bittersweetness questioning form the rose dying (which could use a tiny bit more imagery)... what about hmmm
Would they last forever?
Or would my heart crumble
like a rose without water?
but its just an idea form a tired mind...
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Post by Confusion on May 4, 2005 7:59:02 GMT -8
I think i wanna keep this one short and sweet, well more bittersweet, but yeah... I agree about the clicheness of the last couple of lines.. i like your suggestion, i think ill change it to that, or something similar.......  |
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Post by Queen of Rain on May 4, 2005 8:24:24 GMT -8
glad i cud hlp and i agree with that you should keep it short and sweet
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Post by Confusion on May 19, 2005 7:58:35 GMT -8
Thankies!
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