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Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 8, 2005 13:44:20 GMT -8
the sun shines only on half your face
so bent up in discourse (soliloquies)
half-happened you don’t even
notice
that the roles are reversed
and you left me here
a waiting widow
while you take a trip,
a dip down to Abandon
and I’m not asking you to stay
just acknowledge me
and what I’ve done
I know it not a greekgift
but pleadmeout here its still
the bloodandsweat of me
a nick of flesh from my bosom
something all mine to give
[/size] and from here I'm stuck...I'm not sure how to proceed from here. I'm not sure about the title either, tell me what you think. PM |
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Post by Ramona on Apr 11, 2005 5:02:13 GMT -8
I love the beginning, I'm not sure where you might want to go from here, though, because the other thing I love about your poems is your ability to jump from subject to subject with a smooth transition. I do think the title is fitting, though.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Apr 11, 2005 9:04:02 GMT -8
really nice.. i think that u shud do one of your amazing transitions here, becuase otherwise it gets to "chatty" i mean the beginning is just amaaazing... good luck continuing, ur fans look forward to ur next poem!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Apr 11, 2005 20:09:55 GMT -8
well... hmm. i guess i agree with what went before me. i'm sure your brilliant and a bit out there(meant as a compliment) mind will find some ridiculously amazing interesting thing to talk about with cool, big words and neat-o(neat-o?) allusions and just whatever it is you manage to pack into these magnificent poems. i really don't think you need this peon's poor attempts to add and continue, if i may be so presumptuous, or suggest the continuation of this already startlingly(?) great beginning. i will humbly bow this out to you until what i'm sure is writers block lifts is heavy mists from the vast and uncharted expanses of the mind and feeds to you almost from the mouth of the good Lord himself the rest of what promises to be a wonderful compilation of words and metaphors and technique. sigh. sorry, being sleepy makes me wax poetic. great job so far. he. hehe.
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Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 11, 2005 20:14:22 GMT -8
thanks guys I love you all you make me feel so happy, anyways off that subject, I think I'll add a few more lines but I'm going to keep this one pretty short, and the title is going to stay The Better Part of Me.
peace
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Post by ScarletMornings on Apr 11, 2005 20:19:20 GMT -8
i think i got a little carried away.
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Post by foxyvolleyballchic on Apr 12, 2005 12:51:40 GMT -8
I luv it so far. I cant wait to read the rest. I wish I could help but Im not very good w/ big words. Sry
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Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 12, 2005 16:45:02 GMT -8
thanks dear.
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