This is A Business (revised)

Pseudomuse
Senior Writer

We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer.

Posts: 489

This is A Business (revised) Apr 7, 2005 14:45:12 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 7, 2005 14:45:12 GMT -8

the third stanza, the one that starts "Your dirty clothes" has been revised now its so much better. thanks all. PM

This is a Business

Dirty clothes are littered on
The bathroom floor
The water red is flowing
And pooling in the kitchen
Alcohol drenched wasteland is
Your breath
And I try to think of you
Any other way
And I’m not sure I can

(but I’m here)

(and you’re heavy)[/i]

with primordial nuances
wet clothes suck at your skin loverlike
(you didn’t even take them off
before your delve into the soddenlies
(the bottom of the tub

but you’d never say you had
a problem
cause then it would only make it real

Your dirty clothes are off
The bathroom floor
I’ve scrubbed clean
The water is stopped
But bottles of gin and pixie dust
Are pilled in the sink
The remnants that once littered
Your breath are tainted red
And I try to think of you
Any other way
And I’m not sure I can

but you never had
a problem
cause saying so only makes it real

Last Edit: Apr 11, 2005 20:12:34 GMT -8 by Pseudomuse

You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion"

I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way.

If you want to call me that, smile.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

blutmond Guest	This is A Business (revised) Apr 7, 2005 20:13:53 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by blutmond on Apr 7, 2005 20:13:53 GMT -8 This was a brilliant writing I ever read.. Its fascinating! I wanna hear more. Please let me know if you write more peoms.. good job! 5 stars out of 5 stars
	Last Edit: Apr 7, 2005 20:16:37 GMT -8 by blutmond

Pseudomuse Senior Writer We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Posts: 489	This is A Business (revised) Apr 7, 2005 20:49:04 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 7, 2005 20:49:04 GMT -8 thank you very much blutmond. yeah I right alot...and you can find most my stuff here...my other new poems are Smiles, Night Whispers, and Dreams of Technicolor and Old Flannel. thanks again. PM
	You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion" I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way. If you want to call me that, smile. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Queen of Rain
Senior Writer

I'm Swedish, that should explain it all..

Posts: 614

This is A Business (revised) Apr 8, 2005 9:26:45 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Queen of Rain on Apr 8, 2005 9:26:45 GMT -8

really nice poem as always Pseudomuse... what I loved about this poem was that even though it carried jsut as much amazing depth as the others, it had a more clear "storyline" which makes the reader able to analyse the theme more in deapth... I miss some of your fantastic rhythm in the third stanza though, the entire last part of the stanza felt a very unoriginal compared to the other poem especially since the rhtythm is halting... but otherwie, im sickly impressed by the realism and depth this poem carries!

A ship in a harbour is safe, but that's not what a ship is built for

Pseudomuse
Senior Writer

We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer.

Posts: 489

This is A Business (revised) Apr 8, 2005 13:26:13 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 8, 2005 13:26:13 GMT -8

thanks queen! yeah gods the last part that so incredibly fucked over on the rhyme was partly because I had been reading rhyming poetry to myself all night so when I went to write the last part it kept wanting to rhyme on me so the meter got wierd. thanks again.

PM

Last Edit: Apr 8, 2005 13:30:55 GMT -8 by Pseudomuse

You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion"

I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way.

If you want to call me that, smile.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Pseudomuse Senior Writer We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Posts: 489	This is A Business (revised) Apr 11, 2005 20:13:05 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 11, 2005 20:13:05 GMT -8 thanks all, its now revised well the third stanza is anyway. PM
	You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion" I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way. If you want to call me that, smile. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

foxyvolleyballchic Guest	This is A Business (revised) Apr 12, 2005 13:03:33 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by foxyvolleyballchic on Apr 12, 2005 13:03:33 GMT -8 OMG I luved that. It was so good. Ur so talanted!

Pseudomuse Senior Writer We went, we saw, we didn't quite conquer. Posts: 489	This is A Business (revised) Apr 12, 2005 16:51:39 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 12, 2005 16:51:39 GMT -8 why thank you dear, I do believe I'm blushing. PM
	You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living s**t out of you. - Horoscope in "The Onion" I thought you just said we were done doing things the stupid way. If you want to call me that, smile. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 7, 2005 14:45:12 GMT -8

Post by blutmond on Apr 7, 2005 20:13:53 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 7, 2005 20:49:04 GMT -8

Post by Queen of Rain on Apr 8, 2005 9:26:45 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 8, 2005 13:26:13 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 11, 2005 20:13:05 GMT -8

Post by foxyvolleyballchic on Apr 12, 2005 13:03:33 GMT -8

Post by Pseudomuse on Apr 12, 2005 16:51:39 GMT -8