Cycloptic Wonder

[Ramona]

This is my first non-rhyming effort that I've posted on here, I don't think my non-rhyming efforts are very good, but I figured if I wanted to improve them, I'd seek help from other writers. So, like, ch'ya.

-----

So then I squinted one eye
The thing you used to say
Was that you could see better that way
That was before you left
When you left me here
Alone
But I was alright after awhile
Because I started to see with one eye shut
And, yeah
Sometimes
(only sometimes)
you can see better that way.
It’s just the thing is, when you have one eye shut, you only see
P a r t
of the world
and the rest you are blind to
So it was fine for awhile, then I started to see a little better
I saw that you weren’t just gone on some trip
That you weren’t taking a weekend
Or some vacation
(vacant)
and that you weren’t going to come back anymore
So I opened both of my eyes, and that’s what I saw,
A world a little emptier, because you were gone.
But still sometimes, I close one eye, and I can almost see you again.

[Ramona]

Any comments?

[Ramona]

Meh, no one likes me.

[Pseudomuse]

ooohh....i like this very much. especially that you carry the theme all through the poem. great job. and its not that no one loves you...we do...its just that we're so damn busy, or like me without a comp for a week.

PM

[Ramona]

Thanks, that's how I was for a week. Pooter-less, it was quite sad, actually.

[Queen of Rain]

this poem has an amazingly elaborated theme which maintain excellent althrough the poem.. i think teh rhtyhm is perfect in the middle of the poem and i think you would gain a lot to try to get a similar rhythm in the beginning.. also it would be so much easier totake in your poem if you divided it into stanzas..

[ScarletMornings]

i loved it. it was a very, very interesting and catchy theme.
"So I opened both of my eyes, and that’s what I saw,
A world a little emptier, because you were gone.
But still sometimes, I close one eye, and I can almost see you again" is my favorite line. it was really cool how you talked about the one eye, and the title is perfect. wonderful job, in my opinion.

[Ramona]

Thank you both very much.

[foxyvolleyballchic]

OMG I almost started cryin, that is really good. Exspecially 4 ur 1st no rytheme poem!