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Post by Queen of Rain on Mar 18, 2005 11:21:51 GMT -8
Nocturne
Tonight
in the silence
the echoes go on
Screams of emptiness
are walking the halls
This bed is so cold
and it has room for two
But I’m sleeping alone
since you’re long gone
unsure about how to start the two first lines in last stanza, otherwise im quite happy with this poem as it doesnt go on forever liek som eof my poems..
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Post by louise on Mar 19, 2005 2:28:02 GMT -8
maybe something like this:
too cold
in this (big??) bed
there's room for two
Nice poem though,
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Post by Sparks on Mar 19, 2005 15:42:39 GMT -8
I like it. The only thing I'd say is that in the second stanza that you would maybe change the ending.
"but I'm sleeping alone
since you're long gone"
...I think that probably that last line "since you're long gone" doesn't need to be there, because why else would you be sleeping alone, right?
Just my two cents.
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Post by Pseudomuse on Mar 19, 2005 17:54:41 GMT -8
hmmm....for the last stanza. maybe it could read
This bed so cold
now has room for two
Still I’m sleeping alone
(since you’re long gone)
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Post by Queen of Rain on Mar 20, 2005 4:19:00 GMT -8
Nocturne
Tonight
in the silence
the echoes go on
Screams of emptiness
are walking the halls
Sheets so cold
In a bed (for two)
But I’m sleeping alone
(since you’re long gone )
thats how it looks now..
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Post by Pseudomuse on Mar 20, 2005 12:36:47 GMT -8
yeah, much better. beautiful simple poem
PM
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Post by louise on Mar 20, 2005 14:25:04 GMT -8
better indeed.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Mar 24, 2005 14:46:03 GMT -8
I think this potentially could have been wonderful if it had been longer, but it's still wonderful in its simplicity since its not long. Great job.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Mar 24, 2005 14:46:34 GMT -8
And really cool title!!
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Post by Queen of Rain on Apr 11, 2005 10:17:32 GMT -8
i think poetry should vary in length? does it really have to be loinger than this, i feel like it says all i need to say.. on my other poetry pages ppl complain about some of my poems being too long, but here ppl seem to think my poems are too short, i mean poetry isnt prose rite and can vary in length a lot, i have many poems that are 6 lines long...
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