Blame!

[Queen of Rain]

Blame!

There leaves another
And my reflection changes
Accuses her sister
That voice comes again
Sounds of trains
Women screaming and dogs hunting
Faster and faster

Where can I hide from myself?
Is there a room pink and pleasant?
Where failure does not speak?
Both mirage and the so-called reality
Are disappointed

He left, who’s to blame?

Which someone would tell them
Maybe he left because voice is
In the back of her head
Vicious circle
She cannot be loved
Because she does not love herself
And this because no one loves her
Because she does not love herself…


heavily personal poem whos meaning is so strong for me right now i hae been unable to make it poetically beautifuyl, anyone got any ideas?

[Pseudomuse]

i like it. i think the poem its it raw form is the most truthful. maybe change the format a bit, the first line of the second stanza, Which.... seems to break up the flow and meter of the poem so you might want to mess with that. otherwise, fantabulous.

lurf
PM

[Sparks]

And my opinion is no different. I think Pseudomuse put it just about perfectly...
I think it sounds fast paced and a bit out of control. But somehow that works. So that's not exactly criticism, more of a simple observation.
Other than that... I think the beginning is a bit week. I'm not really much of a fan in using the word "another" in a poem when referring to a person. I don't know why, there just doesn't seem to be any strength in that word. It doesn't really ever sound like it fits - more as if you couldn't figure out how to put it so you tossed that in for lack of a better plan.
I don't really have any suggestions for what you could change it to, just the fact that the poem's introduction is a bit racy and leaves me returning to figure out what I read because I didn't get it the first time around.
But I liked it.
Raw and pretty.

[Queen of Rain]

thank you for your comments, it is raw and out of control... thats with purpose,.. the rhythm is of and thats not on purpose jsut lack of energy to change it.. i dont want the person that leaves to draw attention away form the speaking-I of the poem therefore I jsut mentioned him as "another" to sortof imply that the problem lies in the narrqtor and not the persons around her... but I could need a nice synonym maybe..