Survival of Desires

[Queen of Rain]

Survival of Desires

Snow-White is my daughter
I am therefore long gone
She is eating an apple
that fell down that autumn.

Now we wont let the stepmother
strangle them desires,
Vinegarcoated moaning.
Lets break that mirror!

I watch over my daughter,
that beautiful day.
Sense the smell of ripening fruit
as she breathes his passion
and awakens inside.

[Ramona]

It's kay, the rhythm was off in some places, and in a lot of places I found that the words didn't flow well. It jumped around some, too. I thought it might make a nice poem if revised a few times, though.

--Ramona

[kaidanasnan]

With what she said, the rythym was off in some places. I don't think it jumped around to much, but it did a little.

[Queen of Rain]

yep rhythm is not working well anyone got any recomendation to how i can change it?

[frontpagenews]

Listen to Shakespeare, im not saying that you should go all out in think thine and thy and stuff like that but maybe, try word inversions? Flip some words around and maybe a a few synonms to keep the meanings the same, just mixed it up...