A Mystical Serenity

[dominicmonaghan]

The title is still a maybe. I started this poem and I'd like to know if you think It's worth finishing. . . Some criticzm and concrit would be nice also.

A Mystical Serenity

Together we walk, hand in hand
Through this peaceful, fantasy land
Where cliffs made of Lapis Lazuli and Jade
Make pain and discouragement seem to fade
A river of myster flows by a mountain of dreams
Where the forest is lit by the sun's golden beams
All nightlife is guided by the moon's silver rays
Through the forest trees' complex maze
Amethyst and Pearl line the wood's narrow trail
And diamond and crystal specckle the dale

Ya, that's all I have so far. Please reply!

[Pseudomuse]

beautious imagery love, and your rhyme wasn't forced...yeah! keep it up.

this was my favorite couplet
Together we walk, hand in hand
Through this peaceful, fantasy land

dont really have much critiquing, maybe ill find one later.

PM

[dominicmonaghan]

o thank u! ;D

[frontpagenews]

Oh the imagery is its magnifico, sounds beautiful. And I quite agree the rhyming is natural. My only concerns are about the rythm in two lines, it kinda wobbles a bit...

"Where the forest is lit by the sun's golden beams"
and
"Through the forest trees' complex maze"

[kaidanasnan]

I really like it. You should finish it.

The rhyming seems natural enough, but the line, 'Through the forest trees' complex maze' seems to throw off the rythym a little.

[Queen of Rain]

u def should finish it its great, im jealous of ppl that can handle rhyming..

[dominicmonaghan]

thank u, i tried to change that line but i couldn't figure it out at the time