I...

[saralioness]

I want to feel the crisp newness of spring,
I want the baby grass beneath my feet.
I want to hear the red-breasted robins sing,
I want to anticipate summer's heat.
One last time.

I want to feel the sultry heat of summer,
I want to see the fireflies dance in loop-de-loops.
I want to say that rain's a bummer,
I want to take eggs from the chicken coops.
One last time.

I want to feel the coolness of fall.
I want to see the red leaves tumble drunkenly from trees.
I want to hear ducks' parting call,
I want to wear warmers up to my knees.
One last time.

I want to feel the icy blast of December,
I want to see the first snowflake hit the fallow ground.
I want to watch a fire burn down to the last ember,
I want to hear laughter's sweet sound.
One last time.

But there will be no icy blast of December,
I will not taste the spring.
I will not see the fire's ember.
I cannot hear the robins sing.
And now I draw my breath today,
For one last time.


The end is a little messed up, but me likes. Con-crit, please?

[louise]

I really like your choice of words.... The end is a bit messed up indeed....
I really don't like the sentences:
"Death is stealing me away,
Creature of night that she is."

Maybe you should just leave them out. Maybe something like this?:
I will not taste the spring.
I will not see the fire's ember.
I cannot hear the robins sing.
And I will draw one more breath,
For one last time.

I really like your picture, btw, it is soooo sweet

[saralioness]

OK, thanks. I know, I love the kitty.

[Ramona]

It is awesome in its simplicity. The rhyming pattern was consistent, and it was a radical theme. Wicked.

[saralioness]

Thank you!

[behindTHEmask]

I really liked how you wrote "one last time" at the end of each stanza. I'm not really one for rhyming anymore, because free verse is easier to explain the point, in my opinion, but this one was very beautiful. You've done a very good job with the words and the story behind it. And I agree with louise, or maybe taking out the "but" at the beginning of the stanza.

But beautiful job.

[dominicmonaghan]

Yeah, i agree with louise and behindTHEmask. I really love the whole plot of the poem! great!