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Cicada
Mar 20, 2005 20:26:04 GMT -8
Post by taliesin on Mar 20, 2005 20:26:04 GMT -8
Thanks for the crits. It's about life, death, and the theory of reincarnation.
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Cicada
Mar 19, 2005 22:58:29 GMT -8
Post by taliesin on Mar 19, 2005 22:58:29 GMT -8
I'm not much of a poet. This was the first poem I'd ever done on my own. I usually prefer stories.
This one is titled Cicada
O! There, a quiescent cicada resurrected seventeen years’ sleep yet still up and about within a minute the long dead once more alive What magic makes you sleep like a Sleeping Beauty? Time is your Prince Charming When you feel the seventeenth years’ kiss You are resurrected Cursed with only two week’s life Cursed to return to the soil yet a second time Eternally O, the quiescent cicada
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Post by taliesin on Mar 24, 2005 23:00:25 GMT -8
Wow, it's pretty good. Aside from some typos, I think the concept itself may be a bit vague-I kept thinking about a vampire sinking his teeth into the neck of a victim. Maybe this wasn't the intended image?
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Post by taliesin on Mar 20, 2005 20:45:25 GMT -8
Okay, so basically this one is just a big run-on sentence. And it doesn't even end. Italicize the thoughts of 'her' and put a comma after them, at least. It leaves something to be desired.
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Post by taliesin on Dec 27, 2004 13:21:06 GMT -8
wow that was beautiful.
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Post by taliesin on Dec 27, 2004 12:36:39 GMT -8
Wow. That's what I was thinking, AfroThunder. Is there more? If there is, I'd love to hear it.
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Post by taliesin on Dec 30, 2004 12:15:29 GMT -8
It's good. But I noticed a mistake. Who's the Wicked With? I thought it was the Wicked Witch.
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Post by taliesin on Dec 21, 2004 21:42:05 GMT -8
Wow! That was so sad and heartbreaking.
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Post by taliesin on Dec 30, 2004 12:18:37 GMT -8
It's good. Is this woman graduating from her HS with a GED or...?
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Post by taliesin on Dec 29, 2004 13:30:59 GMT -8
That was one of the best pieces I've ever heard. Nice work!
I would suggest MAYBE you should change 'The wood of the counter' to 'the wooden counter.' But eh.
I wasn't sure what you meant when 'they pierced their victims.' Did you mean they were vampires, or were they having sex?
Also, I didn't know the narrator was a man until the child said, 'But...' he said, 'we're both men."
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Post by taliesin on Dec 29, 2004 23:08:28 GMT -8
Wow...
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Post by taliesin on Dec 29, 2004 21:01:47 GMT -8
Wow. That was pretty good. I want to hear more! This should be in the suspense section... because she only refers to the pursuer as 'he, him.'
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Post by taliesin on Dec 29, 2004 13:20:08 GMT -8
Wow... nice story!
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Post by taliesin on Dec 27, 2004 12:38:49 GMT -8
Wow. I like it. Pseudomouse... you write really interesting stories.
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Post by taliesin on Dec 29, 2004 13:23:43 GMT -8
Cool. Sounds like a game you could make.
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