|
Post by ScarletMornings on Oct 19, 2006 13:33:49 GMT -8
superfluous words skate my spine (a thousand caresses for every single word) a velvet brushing a satin rubbing the texture of your/my true love they tell me beauty can be a physical expression as well as love and the whisperchant of lovely nonsense a foundation for the background music sweeping towards a climax a pinnacle a quickening you whisper a warning into the pre-crescendo silence le petite morte, ma amour my newfound curiosity is quickly satisfied
night and day meld their meanings (a thousand breathless breaths for every revolution) a tracing touching a wrinkled ruching a feeling of enchantment to this night bright day I start to gather inexperience can be a better thing than expert sophistication a litany of encouragement drifting softly through an open ear listening for that hitch or skip in soft sounds brushed against a body a being a lover a leisurely serenade softly resounds your sweet threat le petite morte, ma cherie a shuddering pleasure resumes and repeats
disbelief dances within comprehension (a thousand recriminations for every wave of shame) a stopless sinking a dirty consuming there comes a day when dreaming ends in the reality and you find you were a fool to believe in yearnings instead of morality an echo of goodbyes leaves the wondering of if I ever knew you(with me) and the dawning knowledge of the gaining of a title of no lady a whore a sinner a mind and heart whisper to each other in a dark melody le petite morte, pauvre fille I die a little death with every memory
|
|
|
Post by Confusion on Oct 19, 2006 22:55:40 GMT -8
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THIS SOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought it was amazing as i was reading it anyway, but that last stanza put such a twist on how i expected it to end and that last line 'i die a little death with every memory', wow, that's just amazing! I love this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well done, i think it's perfect!
|
|
|
Post by cry,crayola. on Oct 20, 2006 6:32:19 GMT -8
i love your word usage throughout. i think you tend to draw the reader into your poems somehow to where they feel like it's them you're writing about. it's pretty cool, actually.
very nice, rowe. i applaud.
|
|
|
Post by Queen of Rain on Oct 21, 2006 16:19:59 GMT -8
Its brilliant and as mostly in your poems theres a lot of material.. What youve got is fantastic but you could utilise it better I think you could emphasise the feeling by rhytmically building it up to a climax.. thus the reader more logically can follow to the turning point.. secondly i think you could use more subtle language in the end.. cos as it seems no it just feels like a confirmation of that a girl loses her dignity with her virginity.. which seems quite strange compared to the beauty described in the previous stanzas..
|
|
|
Post by ScarletMornings on Oct 21, 2006 19:18:54 GMT -8
well, i wrote this with the intention of trying ot make it seem they were both misguided towards the other intentions, but i didn't quite get around to writing a fourth stanza. as it is, i just wanted it to be sad, i guess, like she has all those beauty because she believes he loves her and they have a future, but then she realizes he doesnt and they don't and she feels ashamed. i might write the fourth stanza to try and soften the bluntness, i suppose.
|
|